Vulnerable

Hey there stranger!

It has been a long while since I have had the chance to sit and do my little writing thing. Why?

I ventured on a journey over the past few months. I took on the female lead in a local play; written by a local play write, Tom Kline. The story was pulled from the author’s personal experience expecting his first child. Yep, I played a young married girl expecting.

As a mom, I got to relieve many many moments of being pregnant. As a divorcee, I got to recall the fights, love, and tales of that adventure into parenthood. Let me say it was tough! Many times the directors would comment on my somewhat lack of emotions in a scene. Little did they know the effort I was having to put forth just to get words out. That the stoic face was a boundary blocking the world away from the flood gate of emotions raging deep inside. The stinging lines of words once uttered in real life bombarded at you over and over and over as you rehearse the scene day after day.

As the stage lights turned on that opening night though, things settled. I was ready to open up to the world a side no one but my ex had seen. To showcase on stage the experiences, though not all accurate to my story, but the feeling, emotion, etc was there. And like that I stepped into a new place.

I felt some isolation melt away. I had exposed fears, trials, my heart as best I could while keeping true to the character I was actually playing.

The release was needed.

So I apologize for the lack of words or encouragement or connection. Yet it was a season of self examination and growth but learning it’s ok.

Can’t be a proper oily post with mention to an oil 😉

Young Living has an oil called release and its diffusing right now in my office as I write this. I highly recommend that you reach for this little bottle of delightful and soothing scent if you know there are parts of your story you need to let go.

You are love.

You are beautiful.

God bless!

Reality of an invisible Disease

You don’t look sick:

Oh no I just have Fibromyalgia, degenerative disk disease, bursitis, tendinitis, herniated disks, anemia, vitamin deficiencies, arthritis, and Ehlers. . .

No big just means ever system in my body requires 10 times longer to heal from every bump, running can land me bed ridden for a month, I have the energy of a dying person, and everything hurts all the time and the doctors throw about 5-8 meds they want to curb the pain, alter your mood and brain chemistry, kill you liver/heart, become addicted, and majority of the time they still don’t touch the pain. . .

If you never understood how much effort if causes me to get up every day just know this flu going around felt like a runny nose with a bit of a hot

Flash. . . Everything else felt the same: why? because it always hurts, I’m always tired, and life never stops for anything. I still moved, I still cleaned, I still took care of my kids, still cooked, still went to work. . . Well I took a few days off to not spread infection.

It’s the cards I have been dealt and sometimes I envy the wheelchair rolling by in a store. Sometimes I wish I could wear I big sign saying “it hurts please help!” Sometimes I want to crawl in a bed and stream mind numbing tv shows and never have to move again.

I fight every day to get through the basics and still fail. Do you know how hard it is for an ambitious, athletic, perfectionist to not be able to complete her todo list because she physically cannot move. At times yes a joint or muscle will just stop responding! How bad I want to just go run and anything more than a random 50m dash for fun on a really good day will take you out for a month!

How people critique your expenses on supportive supplements but fully support you going and getting drugged up so you can have a psychotic break and never be able to work again? Seriously?!? Really

This body is the weight I will bare for the rest of my life but thing is, God knows I’m a survivor and a fighter. I don’t quit. I won’t quit. Especially encouraging people to address their wellness and health of their self and families. I promise you your body and those around you need to be toxic free as much as possible at least in your own home!

I feel the effects much more quickly especially when I go to a “none clean” those houses people think are REALLY clean (bleck means more toxic!)

I don’t want pity, understand sure, compassion great, but in truth I want freedom for every from the poisons that plague society!

Go toxic free today!

I am Enough

These are the hardest things I have ever had to try to say. For deep seeded reason, saying I am enough to myself is a struggle. Just getting the words out.

When I tell people my story many have responded that I should write a book or movie about it. Quite crazy the desperate and terrible places I have been to feel loved or wanted. And as I age, I become more and more of a porcupine, keeping people very far from me. The lows I have settled in relationships and the times I lost my voice and allowed others to make my life choices, dictate my steps have left a gap of unfulfilled dreams but no regrets.

I have become so close to my Heavenly Father. From so many abandoning and abusing me, I learned to lean deeply into Him. And when He is the only one you have, your relationship with Him can never be lost. It’s a most beautiful thing. I have conversations with Christians who are in shock of how I speak to Him. Telling me I cannot say that to Him. But I am His daughter and He is my daddy. He knows me better than I know myself to deny the words I feel in my heart or mind is lying to someone who already knows the truth. I can come before Him open and raw.

I’m not here for pity or reveal in my relationship. Au contre! I come to show you that no matter how you feel about yourself or how alone you feel. God loves and is there.

Years of struggling with looking in the mirror, with believing the cruelest words spoken over me, and believing I was a failure from repetitive accusations. I have once again believed the dreams laid in my heart as a young girl. They have never changed. The dreams were suppressed by words of harsh broken people. I always contain a little fire within my soul, deep burning passions. Ambition, and strength.

I wanted to be honest, meek, loyal, forgiving, obedient, and nurturing. Ha funny how those can be beaten into doormat, hated, abandoned, and taken advantage of. Nevertheless, the truth remained deep within my soul a purpose greater than myself.

Many nights of Prayer in December made me face these past demons and learn the dream again. This time now awards or titles or certifications needed to prove what was there all along.

Perfectionism, goal attaining, Adair’s of being alone- they don’t hold a bar on your worth. No does the size of the group who hangs around you. At the end of the day there is only One you have to be accountable to.

Honesty has cost me friendships and other things, but I have always been blessed by God for He searches the heart. I keep people at bay from fear of the past but I know I love deeply for them more than they will ever know. But God sees that. He knows.

Each day, as I face the past, and move towards the future and learn to say: I am enough. God is able to heal this wounds to allow me to better in the future.

So say it with me. I am enough.

And begin today to walk your own journey towards believing those same words about yourself.

God bless.

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭3:17-18‬ ‭NIV‬‬

http://bible.com/111/2co.3.17-18.niv

Check out the documentary Enough with Chonda Pierce