These are the hardest things I have ever had to try to say. For deep seeded reason, saying I am enough to myself is a struggle. Just getting the words out.
When I tell people my story many have responded that I should write a book or movie about it. Quite crazy the desperate and terrible places I have been to feel loved or wanted. And as I age, I become more and more of a porcupine, keeping people very far from me. The lows I have settled in relationships and the times I lost my voice and allowed others to make my life choices, dictate my steps have left a gap of unfulfilled dreams but no regrets.
I have become so close to my Heavenly Father. From so many abandoning and abusing me, I learned to lean deeply into Him. And when He is the only one you have, your relationship with Him can never be lost. It’s a most beautiful thing. I have conversations with Christians who are in shock of how I speak to Him. Telling me I cannot say that to Him. But I am His daughter and He is my daddy. He knows me better than I know myself to deny the words I feel in my heart or mind is lying to someone who already knows the truth. I can come before Him open and raw.
I’m not here for pity or reveal in my relationship. Au contre! I come to show you that no matter how you feel about yourself or how alone you feel. God loves and is there.
Years of struggling with looking in the mirror, with believing the cruelest words spoken over me, and believing I was a failure from repetitive accusations. I have once again believed the dreams laid in my heart as a young girl. They have never changed. The dreams were suppressed by words of harsh broken people. I always contain a little fire within my soul, deep burning passions. Ambition, and strength.
I wanted to be honest, meek, loyal, forgiving, obedient, and nurturing. Ha funny how those can be beaten into doormat, hated, abandoned, and taken advantage of. Nevertheless, the truth remained deep within my soul a purpose greater than myself.
Many nights of Prayer in December made me face these past demons and learn the dream again. This time now awards or titles or certifications needed to prove what was there all along.
Perfectionism, goal attaining, Adair’s of being alone- they don’t hold a bar on your worth. No does the size of the group who hangs around you. At the end of the day there is only One you have to be accountable to.
Honesty has cost me friendships and other things, but I have always been blessed by God for He searches the heart. I keep people at bay from fear of the past but I know I love deeply for them more than they will ever know. But God sees that. He knows.
Each day, as I face the past, and move towards the future and learn to say: I am enough. God is able to heal this wounds to allow me to better in the future.
So say it with me. I am enough.
And begin today to walk your own journey towards believing those same words about yourself.
“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”
2 Corinthians 3:17-18 NIV
Check out the documentary Enough with Chonda Pierce