Nine years later

Happy Veterans Day:

This time nine years ago I was preparing to go to #bootcamp. From sunny ☀️ #florida I made the trip to #chicago to spend 10 weeks in boot camp. Yep I was there through the winter. After a bunch of immunizations, cafeteria food, and marching through #snow ❄️, three wisdom teeth extractions, and a chronic cold that turned into a sinus infection. . . My legs started to give out. We all assumed shin splints, a few days marching in these shoes right here to give my shins a break from the boots. But it didn’t help. I pushed through my end of boot camp finals and past but the pain didn’t stop. After boot, I went on to schooling. I was placed limited duty, and the medication trial and error began. The extensive labs, medical tests, arguments with doctors and looks of disapproval or disbelief ensued for years. Family, friends, co workers. . . All of them couldn’t fathom -and many didn’t care to try-

Living with an invisible disease is the more discouraging, self worth crushing, dream crushing thing I have ever lived through. Everything hurt, all the time. That soreness after a three hour workout, plus the sunburn from a week at the beach, plus delivering a kid, plus stepping in an ant pile, while mosquitoes attempted to fly around and bite. . . That’s what I had. If you laughed or danced for a min or went to a theme park- you were lying about the pain. But the truth is some days you have enough guts to know you’ll be bed ridden for a week but God forbid you be stuck locked in your #home another moment without hope for the #future. And eventual it got to the point where the doctors had nothing left to say. According to their tests I was great. Their drugs had terrible side effects and many were rules useless by their tests but they promised it would help. No they don’t, they don’t help! So I choose to fight for myself, my life and my kids. With the same passion I brought to my fooor routine as a competitive #gymnast. With the same selfless desire to serve and #bravery to take on the world that brought me into the military, with the same trust in my body to have two children naturally I stood up for myself and said NO & found plants #hopeforthefuture

Nine years later, I pulled this pair out of my sea bag and began. It’s not a marathon yet, but it’s a future filled with hope and a purpose.

Hope

As the words “Oh come to the alter. . . His arms are opened wide” dance softly in the background and the stubborn fight of bed time summers with sighs and slowed breathing. I sit here doing my evening Bible reading. I quickly come across this verse. Hebrews 6:19. Once again I’m stopped and am in Awe! Why?

Because the word Hope has appeared again. No it isn’t surprising to come across hope in the Bible. But it is that since Friday night as I discussed my vision board I made a year ago with friends and shared the word Hope, I have begun to see and hear it over and over again!

I don’t know where it is going but I can tell where it has been in my life. Why was Hope written on my vision board? Because without hope, one becomes hopeless. What does a hopeless person do? Resign. Resignation leads to apathy. And apathy is less than even hate. Apathy is the opposite of love not hate. Hate is a passion and a misguided sense of purpose. Apathy lacks purpose, love, and a future.

I pray you have never been to a state of pure apathy caused by a sense of hopelessness. There is a famous psychologist who studied this concept. In a sad designed study a dog was set in a box without a way to escape and zapped. The dog fought and try to find a way out until he didn’t. Eventually the dog laid down and just laid there being zapped. Once the dog had resigned the dog was give a chance to escape the zaps, but by now the dog had stopped trying. So even with the chance of freedom the dog laid there and allowed itself to be zapped. That right there is where some people end up in their lives. So hopeless. And truth is, I have been there.

But it was at that bottom I learned to look up. In my life, that point brought me to know God. At first it was slivers of light through the darkness like refraction of light from a prism. The closer I got to Him the right the light. Then Hope sprang Firth. The more trust the greater my Hope!

What started as small as a mustard seed grew and rooted and grew. Till one day my hope lead me to leap of the ledge with nothing but God to build me a parachute!

So the world Hope I wrote on my vision board represents what I received as a gift in my darkest times and even more what I hope to spread to the world!

So take this verse and this story today, if you are struggling with anything: doubt, fear, shame, anxiety, depression, stress, discontentment. . . And grasp this sliver of light. There is a hope for you have a purpose and a gift to the world only you can provide. I pray over you today, allow yourself to believe again. The world needs you!

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭15:13‬ ‭NIV‬‬

http://bible.com/111/rom.15.13.niv

Reality of an invisible Disease

You don’t look sick:

Oh no I just have Fibromyalgia, degenerative disk disease, bursitis, tendinitis, herniated disks, anemia, vitamin deficiencies, arthritis, and Ehlers. . .

No big just means ever system in my body requires 10 times longer to heal from every bump, running can land me bed ridden for a month, I have the energy of a dying person, and everything hurts all the time and the doctors throw about 5-8 meds they want to curb the pain, alter your mood and brain chemistry, kill you liver/heart, become addicted, and majority of the time they still don’t touch the pain. . .

If you never understood how much effort if causes me to get up every day just know this flu going around felt like a runny nose with a bit of a hot

Flash. . . Everything else felt the same: why? because it always hurts, I’m always tired, and life never stops for anything. I still moved, I still cleaned, I still took care of my kids, still cooked, still went to work. . . Well I took a few days off to not spread infection.

It’s the cards I have been dealt and sometimes I envy the wheelchair rolling by in a store. Sometimes I wish I could wear I big sign saying “it hurts please help!” Sometimes I want to crawl in a bed and stream mind numbing tv shows and never have to move again.

I fight every day to get through the basics and still fail. Do you know how hard it is for an ambitious, athletic, perfectionist to not be able to complete her todo list because she physically cannot move. At times yes a joint or muscle will just stop responding! How bad I want to just go run and anything more than a random 50m dash for fun on a really good day will take you out for a month!

How people critique your expenses on supportive supplements but fully support you going and getting drugged up so you can have a psychotic break and never be able to work again? Seriously?!? Really

This body is the weight I will bare for the rest of my life but thing is, God knows I’m a survivor and a fighter. I don’t quit. I won’t quit. Especially encouraging people to address their wellness and health of their self and families. I promise you your body and those around you need to be toxic free as much as possible at least in your own home!

I feel the effects much more quickly especially when I go to a “none clean” those houses people think are REALLY clean (bleck means more toxic!)

I don’t want pity, understand sure, compassion great, but in truth I want freedom for every from the poisons that plague society!

Go toxic free today!

Growth

This is a word we hear all our lives. We learn about it in science class as a child watching a seed turn into a plant. We know it from the doctors office or door way charts.It’s a term and visual phenomenon that occurs with everything living thing on this Earth. Sometimes we are excited. Sometimes, mommas you know this, it can be a sad yet joyful time as we see our kids get bigger. And it can sometimes be something we fight or resist. Why? Growth is all about new and better right? Yes! It can be painful!

We can see this watching a seed. It must break its shell in order to struggle through the dirt. Yep it’s breaks itself, it nice protective safe shell just to wiggle and push and strive through the dirty ground.

When I think of this, I imagine you and I. No matter what stage of life you are in, growth will only happen when we break that shell of comfort and go for it. That journey is going to be dark, Dirty, and hard. Sometimes you’re going to want to just stop. Sometimes you’ll think, “What’s the point?” and it will be hard. But just as a flower knows there is more life from above the dirt so will there be for you.

How do you grow well? My dear budding beauty, send down those deep roots into you Faith, the living water of the Word. Then go for it! Push through the challenges. Push through the tough days. And rise, rise in the name of Jesus! Let your beauty become so evident that you will attract the birds, bees, (metaphors of course), and people into the beauty of who you are!

Growth is a word that we sometimes steer clear of nevertheless I challenge you today. To step out of the boat! Walk towards the life God has for you. Growth ❤