Let Go and Let God

Let go and Let God I heard for the first time about five years ago. At first I would say it over the big obstacle I was facing. At that time my husband I abandoning myself and our children. Then the daily small stuff that annoyed me. But today the meaning is something much more powerful and meaningful.

You see, I didn’t see that this statement pertained to my whole life. Letting go of your life over the hands of God sounds preposterous from the world view. “Well you have to work, you have to do this, it’s your responsibility to do this, don’t be lazy or a fool” and as well as all that motivational speeches sound they are truly a prison cell.

Don’t get me wrong I have every intention of working hard. I always have. I was the honor roll, honors classes, competitive athlete, military leader through boot camp, etc etc. I enjoy working. But not working for the sake of working. Worst of all to me is that set time. You have to be here at this time and cannot leave till this time. I don’t know about you but that point right there drives me crazy! I understand scheduling a meeting or holding a class at a certain time, yes I understand time is essential. But what if the meetings are done, the paper work finished and filed? Go home to your family!! Lol I suppose for me it is in essence an entrepreneurial spirit I didn’t realize I had before. I like structure, planners, and promptness, but I believe life should be lived not lost to the clock.

So after years of making it just barely. I’m finally embracing this phrase to the fullest. I have search my soul, I have prayed for hours, sought mentoring advice, and let go of the world’s ideas. Nothing in me regrets and I will definitely miss those I loved dearly. But am sure I will see again. And I am stepping out into a season of living with passion and purpose but about all I’m giving my life over to God. It is no longer my will, my struggling to figure everything out and scrap and run the hamster wheel of “life”

No more. I am letting go of the world view that says I have to do this and I have to do that in order to be respected, a good mother, a proper hard worker, stable, provider. WRONG!

I am worth to be respected because I am a human. And we are called to love and respect each other.

I am a good mother. I may not parent the way you do or believe as they do, but I know I take the utmost care of the kids God has placed in my hands to raise.

I have always worked hard and if anyone thinks and less of me then they don’t know me. My priorities are different from yours most likely and I won’t bust myself for the sake of business. But I will and do work my butt off.

As for stability. Life was never meant to be comfortable or stable. Jesus said the trails will come! I’m not the rock and I am not the provider. Those belong to God. I am simply a steward. And not I am going to unbury the gifts He has given me and I am going to step out on faith and trust that when I invest my skills, talents, heart, gifts, love into the world: that investment will reap abundance.

Lord here is my life!

So yes I am no longer teaching elementary special needs students.

I am technically by the worlds standards: jobless

But in my Lords eyes, I am fully open for business. I have let go and I am letting God!

If you ever have any prayer request or want to learn more about what I do please feel free to send me a message. I would love to hear from you!

God bless!

Vulnerable

Hey there stranger!

It has been a long while since I have had the chance to sit and do my little writing thing. Why?

I ventured on a journey over the past few months. I took on the female lead in a local play; written by a local play write, Tom Kline. The story was pulled from the author’s personal experience expecting his first child. Yep, I played a young married girl expecting.

As a mom, I got to relieve many many moments of being pregnant. As a divorcee, I got to recall the fights, love, and tales of that adventure into parenthood. Let me say it was tough! Many times the directors would comment on my somewhat lack of emotions in a scene. Little did they know the effort I was having to put forth just to get words out. That the stoic face was a boundary blocking the world away from the flood gate of emotions raging deep inside. The stinging lines of words once uttered in real life bombarded at you over and over and over as you rehearse the scene day after day.

As the stage lights turned on that opening night though, things settled. I was ready to open up to the world a side no one but my ex had seen. To showcase on stage the experiences, though not all accurate to my story, but the feeling, emotion, etc was there. And like that I stepped into a new place.

I felt some isolation melt away. I had exposed fears, trials, my heart as best I could while keeping true to the character I was actually playing.

The release was needed.

So I apologize for the lack of words or encouragement or connection. Yet it was a season of self examination and growth but learning it’s ok.

Can’t be a proper oily post with mention to an oil 😉

Young Living has an oil called release and its diffusing right now in my office as I write this. I highly recommend that you reach for this little bottle of delightful and soothing scent if you know there are parts of your story you need to let go.

You are love.

You are beautiful.

God bless!

Reality of an invisible Disease

You don’t look sick:

Oh no I just have Fibromyalgia, degenerative disk disease, bursitis, tendinitis, herniated disks, anemia, vitamin deficiencies, arthritis, and Ehlers. . .

No big just means ever system in my body requires 10 times longer to heal from every bump, running can land me bed ridden for a month, I have the energy of a dying person, and everything hurts all the time and the doctors throw about 5-8 meds they want to curb the pain, alter your mood and brain chemistry, kill you liver/heart, become addicted, and majority of the time they still don’t touch the pain. . .

If you never understood how much effort if causes me to get up every day just know this flu going around felt like a runny nose with a bit of a hot

Flash. . . Everything else felt the same: why? because it always hurts, I’m always tired, and life never stops for anything. I still moved, I still cleaned, I still took care of my kids, still cooked, still went to work. . . Well I took a few days off to not spread infection.

It’s the cards I have been dealt and sometimes I envy the wheelchair rolling by in a store. Sometimes I wish I could wear I big sign saying “it hurts please help!” Sometimes I want to crawl in a bed and stream mind numbing tv shows and never have to move again.

I fight every day to get through the basics and still fail. Do you know how hard it is for an ambitious, athletic, perfectionist to not be able to complete her todo list because she physically cannot move. At times yes a joint or muscle will just stop responding! How bad I want to just go run and anything more than a random 50m dash for fun on a really good day will take you out for a month!

How people critique your expenses on supportive supplements but fully support you going and getting drugged up so you can have a psychotic break and never be able to work again? Seriously?!? Really

This body is the weight I will bare for the rest of my life but thing is, God knows I’m a survivor and a fighter. I don’t quit. I won’t quit. Especially encouraging people to address their wellness and health of their self and families. I promise you your body and those around you need to be toxic free as much as possible at least in your own home!

I feel the effects much more quickly especially when I go to a “none clean” those houses people think are REALLY clean (bleck means more toxic!)

I don’t want pity, understand sure, compassion great, but in truth I want freedom for every from the poisons that plague society!

Go toxic free today!

I am Enough

These are the hardest things I have ever had to try to say. For deep seeded reason, saying I am enough to myself is a struggle. Just getting the words out.

When I tell people my story many have responded that I should write a book or movie about it. Quite crazy the desperate and terrible places I have been to feel loved or wanted. And as I age, I become more and more of a porcupine, keeping people very far from me. The lows I have settled in relationships and the times I lost my voice and allowed others to make my life choices, dictate my steps have left a gap of unfulfilled dreams but no regrets.

I have become so close to my Heavenly Father. From so many abandoning and abusing me, I learned to lean deeply into Him. And when He is the only one you have, your relationship with Him can never be lost. It’s a most beautiful thing. I have conversations with Christians who are in shock of how I speak to Him. Telling me I cannot say that to Him. But I am His daughter and He is my daddy. He knows me better than I know myself to deny the words I feel in my heart or mind is lying to someone who already knows the truth. I can come before Him open and raw.

I’m not here for pity or reveal in my relationship. Au contre! I come to show you that no matter how you feel about yourself or how alone you feel. God loves and is there.

Years of struggling with looking in the mirror, with believing the cruelest words spoken over me, and believing I was a failure from repetitive accusations. I have once again believed the dreams laid in my heart as a young girl. They have never changed. The dreams were suppressed by words of harsh broken people. I always contain a little fire within my soul, deep burning passions. Ambition, and strength.

I wanted to be honest, meek, loyal, forgiving, obedient, and nurturing. Ha funny how those can be beaten into doormat, hated, abandoned, and taken advantage of. Nevertheless, the truth remained deep within my soul a purpose greater than myself.

Many nights of Prayer in December made me face these past demons and learn the dream again. This time now awards or titles or certifications needed to prove what was there all along.

Perfectionism, goal attaining, Adair’s of being alone- they don’t hold a bar on your worth. No does the size of the group who hangs around you. At the end of the day there is only One you have to be accountable to.

Honesty has cost me friendships and other things, but I have always been blessed by God for He searches the heart. I keep people at bay from fear of the past but I know I love deeply for them more than they will ever know. But God sees that. He knows.

Each day, as I face the past, and move towards the future and learn to say: I am enough. God is able to heal this wounds to allow me to better in the future.

So say it with me. I am enough.

And begin today to walk your own journey towards believing those same words about yourself.

God bless.

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭3:17-18‬ ‭NIV‬‬

http://bible.com/111/2co.3.17-18.niv

Check out the documentary Enough with Chonda Pierce

I Knew You Were Trouble

Yes you, I am talk about you. Haha Na I’m joking. But in deep thought this evening the song popped in my head. Now I wouldn’t necessarily select Taylor Swift as a profound evening of deep thought, but learned along time ago to go with my brains thought processes lol

In the song, a young girl follows down this rabbit hole of bad choices following the wild and crazy life of a narcissistic party guy who brings her down and gets her into troubled situations. Nevertheless there is a deep thought through the pop music and sweet girlish voice. . . Loosing yourself in pursuit of feelings.

Have you ever lost yourself to the world? Fear? Shame? Doubt? Wild abandonment? Pursuit of what you thought to be love? I have. The trouble tale for another time. But today let’s lean into the idea of 2018 beginning a refocus and reacceptance of who we are as a person. Settling into our imperfections and rekindling the dreams and passion we hold most dear in our hearts. Maybe you’re not meant to be the next pop star or travel the whole world with six kids in tote. However, maybe traveling outside of our routine for a change and chance to meet new people and spend time with your kids in a new way. Maybe singing locally to support a good cause or at your church to lead others in profound worship. Drawing for the love of it. Dancing with reckless abandonment on a beach barefoot with only the sings in your heart because you can! The beautiful thing about youth is the passion.

Take a moment today yo reflect, pray, and rekindle the passions in your heart. Yet instead of walking into the next situation of trouble use your wisdom and experience to gauge those passions to healthier life choices that light your soul on fire!

God made you unique and placed the desires in your heart.

Troubled

Young Living item featured in picture: toxic free Adore Lipstick ❤